1. I don’t do manual labor. That’s what you hire people for. I try my best not to lift anything heavier than 5 lbs., unless it’s my purse.
2. I have the Michigan "M" tattooed to my right ass cheek.
3. I drink straight Vodka with lemon to avoid unnecessary calories.
4. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
5. I have a legal team... kinda like OJ. So far none of the charges have stuck.
6. I’m really bad with numbers. I overdraw my checking account. My license is in danger of being suspended because I can't seem to accept the whole legal significance of going 85 mph rather than 70 mph. I refuse to weigh myself. I carry a gratuity cheat sheet in my Fendi handbag. I'll never be mistaken for Betty Crocker because I view measurements as mere guidelines. I firmly believe it is impossible to reach orgasm through the position of 69.
7. I split aces twice during a single hand in blackjack and pulled out four blackjacks… but ended up losing $1,200.
8. I'm like a super hot Ms. Potatohead. You can disassemble me piece by piece. Hair… eyelashes… boobs…
9. When I purchase a pair of shoes that I really, really love, I sleep in them.
10. I hurt my shoulder playing Fantasy Football.
11. Bad grammar turns me off more than BO or being unemployed.
12. My dog and I have matching Burberry outfits.
13. I’m launching a blog called Sexual Cannibalism. It generated $8 on the day of my test launch. Ha.
14. I saw a hot, intelligent Jew on PBS, called in and made him my boyfriend.
15. My purpose in life is: pursuing beauty and the fulfillment of the senses, crushing my enemies and seeing them driven before me, getting blasted, making money, spending money, and counting money.
16. I pretend I’m a teacher June-Aug.
17. I have an unhealthy fascination with Jews that rivals Chelsea Handler’s obsession with midgets.
18. Most people need air, food and water to live. I need air conditioning, mirrors and compliments.
19. I hate acrylic nails and am very happy they’re now considered “Tacky Jersey Chick."
20. I like really small handbags.
21. I wear a girdle when I feel fat. I wear black rimmed Prada glasses when I feel dumb. I wear hair extensions when I feel like primping for 3 hours. And I wear eye lash extensions when I don’t feel like doing my eye makeup for weeks at a time. And I wear socks NEVER.
22. I don’t own a thong.
23. I don’t like to shower. I will go three days without hosing down if I don’t have to go anywhere.
24. I talk to my mom at least twice a day!
25. I DO NOT hate all other women. I get along swimmingly with most people.
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