Since being publicly branded as “wicked,” I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve embraced my inner mean girl, slapped on some boxing gloves and bid farewell to the moral highroad. For approximately 7 days, 8 hours and 23 minutes I struggled to set a good example and exude maturity and sophistication by practicing abstinence for the first time since I was 18: I refrained from reading or responding to any comments about my photos on Oxygen’s Web site. Well, tonight curiosity killed the “tranny b&*ch (their words, not mine!)” and I cheated. Consequently, I was so disappointed at the banality and redundancy of the denigrations that I broke, regressed to the 3rd grade and attempted to teach by example.
Oxygen created and now provides a forum where fans and haters can anonymously comment on each individual Pretty Wicked cast member’s appearance. Since most of the comments exemplify the same poor word choice, 3rd grade-level grammar and unoriginality, the majority of the cast members assumed Lauren* (names have been changed) was the author. When confronted, Lauren basically confessed to writing the profanities by doing what she did during the show: denying responsibility and blaming someone else. Rather than blame her dog Noodles this time (presumably only because he doesn’t possess opposable thumbs and can’t type), she claimed her “friends” wrote the negative comments. There are several problems with this claim, but to be fair to Lauren, let’s tackle her explanation employing the scientific method.
In the broadest sense, the scientific method “refers to techniques for investigating phenomena, acquiring new knowledge, or correcting and integrating previous knowledge.” Since we know our problem is the negative comments, the first step is observation. To be termed scientific, our method of inquiry must be based on gathering observable, empirical and measurable evidence subject to specific principles of reasoning. The principles of reasoning are obviously my MENSA-like genius… and since we’re being objective, also my irrationality and vengefulness. The evidence: the negative comments, which I O
The second step is formulating a hypothesis. Since some of these comments included information only cast members are privy to, we can deduce that a cast member wrote at least some of the negative comments. Integrating the previous knowledge that Lauren has no sense of responsibility and would greatly benefit from a lithium drip and a padded room, we can safely hypothesize that she wrote most of the negative comments.
The third step is experimentation. Let’s just say I successfully predicted the outcome of several experiments, all of which enable us to conclude (the fourth step) that Lauren is responsible for most of the negative comments. Accordingly, it is only fair that Lauren bears the brunt of my immaturity.
Although beauty is subjective, the denigrations on everyone’s comment pages are utterly ridiculous. My
Rather than attack Lauren’s character with the very idiotic, banal tactics she used herself, I posted a simple note linking to a photograph.
The last preceding comments called Lauren “ugly,” so I pretended to be Lauren and address them:
I am NOT ugly! Check out my latest headshot by clicking on my name... you'll see!!!
Now go ahead, click the name.
You could do that all day, couldn’t you?
Lauren and her comrades fail to differentiate vapid idiocy and cruelty from effective wickedness. Cruel, insecure idiots make offensive declarations that they are unable to defend when challenged and craft outrageously unbelievable lies to garner attention. These things are rarely effective and quickly grow tiresome.
Girl you are hilarious!
ReplyDeleteI like your writing style also.
When is your show airing?
I have a friend who may be doing a show for VH1 (Real Chance of(at) Love)
Keep writing, and I'll keep reading!
XOXO
JC