God, Illegitimate Children and Gypsies

I regret to say that I will not be posting stories as often. In an attempt to become a real writer, I sent out a query letter to several literary agents and received an overwhelming positive response (at least compared to what I was told to expect). Accordingly, I am going to dedicate the time I usually reserve for eating Snickers while cruising Craig's List for a future husband to working on my book. Please try to be understanding. Wish me luck!

In the meantime, I will be posting some of the craziest dating exchanges I've saved over the years. Enjoy!

XOXO,

Vanessa



Dr. R is an extremely attractive surgeon. We met in a bar and exchanged #s and email addresses. I have a serious case of ADHD and have a lot going on in my life, so his texts and phone calls went unanswered. When he was unable make contact, he shot me the below email referencing all of my FAVORITE things: God, illegitimate children and gypsies.
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My Dear Vanessa,

Ahhh…the plot thickens

Hello my little tortellini… I haven’t heard from you, soooo…

My keen spider senses tell me that, being the future nation owner that you are, you must have done your research and found out a few things about me. Once I was able to coordinate and integrate my mind powers in overcoming , for a moment, the LUST FACTOR I possess for you…(which by the way has to be a given in the click department)…I was able to recognize that I really felt something for you J. I'm actually very happy to have this opportunity to let you know more of my true self, so here goes...

First off, I AM a Gypsy. Imagine that!! I’m SURE you haven’t come across too many Gypsy doctors in “your” line of work!! (My stomach is hurting that’s how I’m laughing right now). But yes…I am, and no…I’m not a scam artist is any exponential way, shape , or form. Lucky? Yes I am- very. “Many are called but few are chosen”. And this of course is MAJOR CONFIRMATION to me, as a testament to the testimony of my movie…which, by the way, is titled CONFIRMATION. A testament because right off the bat, I have to defend and clarify who I am, and being PROUD of who I am, perhaps a lesson to Miss Haraszkiewicz.

Yes…for sure, not ALL Gypsies are scammers, and double for sure, not ALL scammers are Gypsies. I actually have a scene sequence to enlighten the world to what I am about to lay on you. It involves yours truly, looking my dapper self as usual, attending a party at a pretty wealthy casual acquaintance of mine, accompanied by, at the time, my crew of degenerates. Yes…some of Vegas’ finest. Let’s see… There were “The 3 Johnnies”- Johnny The Hood, Johnny Black, and Johnny Steak Knife- ITALIANS, of course. Then there was Whitey…This guy was WHITE WHITE! Even his eyelashes were white! He being the albinic POLISH addition to the gang. Frankie Wheels, a mutt CZECH, also my bodyguard and driver, and Korey 4am, the JEW from Chicago. Also, finishing off the bunch, was my cousin, Alan, to witness the madness. Anyhow, we are all at this party, and we all immediately recognize that the guy, Dean I think his name was, was weak. His wife was psychotically inebriated and obviously starving for a nice strong session of you know what, and he a guy who had it all but had nothing, was suffering a slow ignorant death. Anyhow, having to evade this horndog, Dean’s wife’s repeated attempts at brushing up on my cock, I proceeded to the patio to enjoy a Marlboro Red. (I smoke occasionally, but trying to quit) Now the crew and I are overlooking Dean’s pool and his fancy boat he has spotlighting the overall “scenic” view he wanted to display. Now, mind you, the Spirit is talking to me through the whole segue…So, we are all out there and within about 12 seconds, the crew members have the whole situation sized up and begin their rant. Beginning with the fact that Dean doesn’t have the crookproof lock on his gate and on the trailer carrying his boat, the talented group they are, they proceed to each contribute to how they would first rob the guy’s boat and belongings. Then they each exercised their vivid imaginations on how they would rape Dean’s wife, and all the various scenarios around which they would skillfully humiliate him with. This as Dean brings over a platter of bacon wrapped scallops with pineapple chutney for us to enjoy. The point is…I realized very early on that I was different from the crowd, and the Spirit was pointing this out to me in a crystal clear manner at this moment. This was a time of note though since I became aware of myself aware of myself, a precious MOMENT, if you will, as an important ingredient of God’s Will for me was being revealed as well as the responsibility that I would have to Him in return was being realized. Do you somewhat get the picture of the gravity involved?



These experiences have testified of my being- “As wise as the serpent but as harmless as the dove”.
I take the time to justify because I really want to see you naked, and as I said, I FEEL something very passionately about you AND my God has NEVER led me astray with my feelings.

Secondly, I have three beautiful and brilliant children that I love dearly. Ava, my eldest, is 18 and lives in California. She is an accomplished musician and singer/songwriter slash model/actress with quite the resume, yet she is humble and well mannered in all respects, and a pleasure to be around. God has answered my prayers recently in the discovery that she now wants to pursue a career in medicine. (Happy Happy I am!) And then there are my two boys, Benjamin 7, and London 6, who live here in Vegas with their mom. They are all quite entertaining and a complete blast to hang with. They are my buddies. I think that’s what happens. As you have children, they become your best friends as your youth is surpassed by wisdom. I know you can dig that understanding, considering your relationship with yours. I am still very good friends with my ex, who is a former Playmate, Jennifer Allan.

So, here we are… and oh yeah, I’m actually 43, not 35. As I am writing this letter, the song…Are You Going With Me by Pat Metheny (MUST HEAR WITH ME ON REPEAT FOR SEVERAL HOURS) is playing.

So…Are You Going With Me?

Love and Peace on all sides to you,

Dr. R
“King” of the Gypsies (Haha)
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The only place this dude is going is to the Betty Ford clinic.