Blind Boyfriends: Pretty Wicked Episode 1

Having a blind boyfriend would free up approximately 2 hours a day, 14 hours a week and 730 hours a year. Rather than curl my hair and spackle my face with MAC, I could theoretically run 146 marathons to benefit charity, earn $73,000 to donate to charity or use the extra money to sponsor 173 children from Uganda. Instead of battling wrinkles and humidity, I could battle cancer, HIV and AIDS. Accordingly, as reported by Variety.com, on Episode 1 of Pretty Wicked, I announce: “Maybe a blind boyfriend is what I need? Do you know how much time that would save me?”

I may be infuriating and it may be infuriating, but men are primarily visual creatures. They don’t have the eyes of eagles, but any Doberman will tell you that men see better than they smell or hear. Accordingly, I’m of the mindset: attract him with your beauty and keep him with your brain.

Well, attracting him with beauty is time-consuming and arduous. Different men are attracted to different things. Some men are ageists, some are fatists, some prefer blondes and some prefer brunettes. To play it safe you must look 21 years old, wear a size 2 and sport blonde hair with lowlights or brunette hair with highlights. Even then you’re not going to please the men who prefer chubby redheads. Appearing universally attractive is more difficult than predicting the stock market.

As a result, the only way to ensure a man focuses on your inner beauty rather than initially judge you based on your physical beauty is to poke out his eyes with shish kabob skewers! Deprive him of sight; deprive him of his superficial predisposition.

Therefore, dating a blind man could circumvent aggravated assault and battery charges as well as free up some time for philanthropy. I stand by my offensive statement. Having a blind boyfriend would be fabulous.