No Smoking, No DeLorean and No Misdemeanor Required

Channel 4 just informed all of Detroit’s junkie teenagers and unemployed how to legally get high without spending more than $12. No glaucoma diagnosis needed.

Salvia divinorum. It’s stronger than marijuana and LEGAL in Michigan.

Called nicknames like Sally-D, Magic Mint and Diviner's Sage, salvia is generally smoked, and is a hallucinogen that gives users an out-of-body sense of traveling through time and space or merging with inanimate objects.

I’ve never even smoked a cigarette, so my ears didn’t perk up until that last part about traveling through time. Coincidentally, ever since Dan Cherry wrote a rude newspaper article about me, I’ve complained that I’m going to have to legally change my name since I don’t have a time machine. Changing your name costs approximately $100. An ounce of salvia leaves sells for around $12 on the Internet. I investigated further.

Turns out this cost-effective, modern day time machine can also be chewed or made into tea and drunk.

No smoking, no DeLorean and no misdemeanor required. Finally, a reason to attend “Tea Time”??

Channel 4 referenced the Web site, Salviadragon.com, which claims salvia users report experiencing:

• Leaving Their Body & Traveling Across The Astral World
• Lucid Out of Body Experiences
• Traveling Back or Forward in Time
• Feeling Weightless and Flying Over the Astral Landscape
• Seeing or Feeling Through Another Beings Perspective
• Finding Hidden Answers and Secret Knowledge
• Meeting Entities And Other Non-Physical Beings
• A Feeling of Oneness and Peace With The Universe

Apparently the content provider at Salviadragon.com is too busy soaring the astral landscape to learn possessive grammar.

Anyway, after my experience with Oxygen and Dan Cherry at the Telegram, I really believe nothing that I hear or read and only half of what I see, so I turned to YouTube.com.

Sweet baby Jesus! The user never even attempted his U-Turn! In addition, none of the users in any of the videos I watched report remembering what occurred during their high. They all blacked out.

If my research is any indication, Salviadragon.com is as reliable as the tabloids. I experienced several wine induced “blackouts” during college. The only G-d I remember was the porcelain G-d at 6 AM. A blackout is referred to as a blackout because the victim doesn’t remember anything. Doing salvia is a good way to make a complete asshole out of yourself; even if you do have a good time you're going to have to have YouTube or your pals fill you in. So although salvia is cost-effective and legal, so is a bottle of wine from CostCo.

Kids: Stay off drugs and stay in school! If you really want to screw up your lives, wait until you’re 21 and booze it up or try out for reality television!