Best Idea Ever - Legal Name Change!

There are several reasons why you might want to legally change your name: a change in marital status, your hippy parents named you after a fruit, you fell in love with a sociopath, or you appeared on a reality show intent on ruining your life.

I used to scour the Internet, conducting google and yahoo searches for my name, enjoying a baptism of relief from knowing potential dates would not unearth any unflattering or personal information. Some high school sports stats. Educational information. Maybe my résumé if they looked long and hard.

No videos, no newspaper articles and no www.vanessafromprettywickshoulddie.com Web sites.

I appeared misleadingly… well… normal, boring even. Potential suitors had to take me on a real date, get to know me and form an opinion of me based on our interaction. HR Departments had to interview me. My significant other’s parents had to have me over for dinner. Servers at the local watering hole had to serve me.

Now, people in Japan can sit at their laptop and watch a video of me while munching on a rice patty. Potential employers can confidently crumple my résumé after their google search reveals I “think I’m better than everyone from [my] hometown… and feel I shouldn’t have to life a finger because I’m so pretty.”

Total strangers feel they intimately know me without so much as having a phone conversation with me!

By being naïve, narcissistic and agreeing to appear on a national television show, “Vanessa” can’t join corporate America any time soon. In addition, if my boyfriend gets sick of the reality TV drama and dumps my ass, I’m going to have to change my name or resign myself to loving a guy whose “type” is an arrogant, money grubbing bimbo. Since I can’t date someone like that, don’t want to die alone and don’t own a time machine, I’m accepting submissions for my legal name change. The only feasible way to clean up this shit show seems to be a complete and utter rebirth.